Okay, a non-Anglo here (well, other than being Anglophone). We have had some issues not only with the donor sibling’s family, but my own. My dad thought it was too soon to reveal to my son. My son’s donor sibling’s parent also thought that telling before middle school age is a bad idea. Cultural issues are at play here (we’re of Chinese descent) and lineage and bloodlines matter a lot. There’s a lot of shame in non-kinship adoption and donor conception. When two families aren’t on the same page, meeting won’t work.
I live in a bicultural world where my expectations and outlook don’t match my ancestral culture’s. And this can be with older generations or my own. There’s also the issue where older generations have more of an influence on the younger one (even if the “younger” generation is fully adult). These issues don’t align with the mainstream Anglo donor conception community and often, people feel shamed when they ask for advice. And don’t get me started on socio-economic class.
There is so much more to unpack with culture and donor conception. I admittedly only gave it a superficial mention in this post.
What you bring up about families not being on the same page is important. An example I’ve heard multiple times is a non-disclosing family (donor conception and/or donor siblings) wants to meet up with disclosing families and asks the disclosing families to withhold the genetic connection information from their children. In other words, frame the meet up as a playdate with friends.
We don’t talk enough about culture, especially when the donor sibling’s family is raising the child in a different culture. There are generational differences and differences based on time of immigration. Education level, single or two parent households, etc….likely because of cultural shame, we don’t really hear very much about other perspectives. In many cultures, talking about it in general is airing dirty laundry.
And in some cultures it appears to be a nothing burger.
I think this is why it’s really important for everyone (parents, donors, DCP) to hold space for the diversity within our community. We are small, but wide. We must be careful not to reduce ourselves to a singular narrative.
Unfortunately, it really isn’t. I’ve talked about my struggles straddling the mainstream and handling both my own family and my son’s donor sibling’s (we only have contact with one. The OG family’s child is turning 18 in a few years, so I wouldn’t surprised if they tried to contact. All I know is that they wanted to remain anonymous when they donated. When it comes to health background, there are other ways to find out without direct contact with donor siblings. And don’t forget that revealing health information to blood relatives (in case they’re also at high risk) is fairly recent. In the old days, a cancer diagnosis was secretive. It still is in some cultures.
Okay, a non-Anglo here (well, other than being Anglophone). We have had some issues not only with the donor sibling’s family, but my own. My dad thought it was too soon to reveal to my son. My son’s donor sibling’s parent also thought that telling before middle school age is a bad idea. Cultural issues are at play here (we’re of Chinese descent) and lineage and bloodlines matter a lot. There’s a lot of shame in non-kinship adoption and donor conception. When two families aren’t on the same page, meeting won’t work.
I live in a bicultural world where my expectations and outlook don’t match my ancestral culture’s. And this can be with older generations or my own. There’s also the issue where older generations have more of an influence on the younger one (even if the “younger” generation is fully adult). These issues don’t align with the mainstream Anglo donor conception community and often, people feel shamed when they ask for advice. And don’t get me started on socio-economic class.
There is so much more to unpack with culture and donor conception. I admittedly only gave it a superficial mention in this post.
What you bring up about families not being on the same page is important. An example I’ve heard multiple times is a non-disclosing family (donor conception and/or donor siblings) wants to meet up with disclosing families and asks the disclosing families to withhold the genetic connection information from their children. In other words, frame the meet up as a playdate with friends.
We don’t talk enough about culture, especially when the donor sibling’s family is raising the child in a different culture. There are generational differences and differences based on time of immigration. Education level, single or two parent households, etc….likely because of cultural shame, we don’t really hear very much about other perspectives. In many cultures, talking about it in general is airing dirty laundry.
And in some cultures it appears to be a nothing burger.
I think this is why it’s really important for everyone (parents, donors, DCP) to hold space for the diversity within our community. We are small, but wide. We must be careful not to reduce ourselves to a singular narrative.
Unfortunately, it really isn’t. I’ve talked about my struggles straddling the mainstream and handling both my own family and my son’s donor sibling’s (we only have contact with one. The OG family’s child is turning 18 in a few years, so I wouldn’t surprised if they tried to contact. All I know is that they wanted to remain anonymous when they donated. When it comes to health background, there are other ways to find out without direct contact with donor siblings. And don’t forget that revealing health information to blood relatives (in case they’re also at high risk) is fairly recent. In the old days, a cancer diagnosis was secretive. It still is in some cultures.
I'm not sure what "it" you are referring to in your first sentence?
The donor conception community. They’re not really making room for more diverse narratives. In FB communities, there’s a lot “my way or the highway.”