"Just Find Another Donor": Understanding the Complexities of Donor Selection in Third-Party Reproduction

One of the most challenging and emotionally charged decisions in assisted family building is the selection of the donor - whether it's for eggs, sperm, or embryos. While it may seem logical to suggest "just find another donor" when people face hurdles in the conception process, this advice often overlooks the intricate web of decisions that go into donor selection. As someone who has personally navigated this journey, I want to shed light on why such a suggestion can be triggering and why it's crucial to approach this topic with sensitivity and understanding.

Selecting a donor is far from a simple task. The weight of this decision can be immense. How does one choose someone to provide half of their child's DNA? Intended parents often feel immense pressure to make the "right" choice, knowing this decision might impact their future child's life in profound ways.

There are three main categories of donors, each with its own set of challenges. One option, known (or directed) donation, involves asking friends or acquaintances, which comes with complex interpersonal dynamics, legal considerations, and potential long-term implications for relationships. Recipient families can also connect with willing "known donors previously unknown to them through social media forums (or other means – yes, there’s an app for that). While seemingly more straightforward, the gamete bank option presents its own challenges, from navigating paywalls and large number of half siblings to ethical concerns about donor recruitment and compensation. I ultimately went with the bank option.

When faced with a choice of potential donors, intended parents consider a dizzying array of factors:

• Genetic screenings and health information

• Physical characteristics

• Racial and ethnic background

• Religious and cultural heritage

• Educational background and career aspirations

• Personality traits and interests

• Willingness to connect with future offspring

I felt discomfort when evaluating the profiles of much younger donors. There was a stark recognition of the significant life changes they may undergo. Selecting a donor based on a profile alone felt uncomfortably transactional. It wasn’t just online shopping; I was choosing a piece of my future child's identity.

The donor selection process can also be emotionally complex. Selecting a donor might mean confronting the loss of a genetic connection to a child or mourning the absence of a co-parent. These feelings of grief need to be processed alongside the practical aspects of donor selection. Amidst the challenges, there's often a sense of hope and excitement. Choosing a donor can represent a significant step forward in the family-building journey. Many parents feel intense curiosity about the donor - who they are as a person, beyond the profile information. There's often a profound sense of gratitude towards donors, mixed with complex feelings about the role they'll play in the child's life.

Once a donor is selected and a child is born, parents must contend with the potential extended family that comes with donor conception now and in the future. This can include half siblings and the donor's own family members. In my case, this looks like connections with over 30 families (and counting) spread across the world. It's beautiful, and it’s a lot. For families with children conceived using different donors, double donors, or donor embryos, other layers of complexity emerge. Multiple donors mean multiple sibling networks to navigate and multiple incomplete health histories to manage. If donors differ in openness to contact, parents face the challenge of explaining inequities in experiences to their kids.

Given all these factors, it becomes clear why the suggestion to simply find another donor can be deeply upsetting to someone who going down this route. It minimizes the emotional, financial, and time investment they've already made.  It disregards the careful consideration of selecting donors with foresight about future family dynamics. For a parent hoping for genetic connections between siblings, this advice can feel particularly dismissive. It's not a Band-Aid solution; it's opening up a whole new can of worms.