Understanding Children's Questions About Donor Conception
One day while we were in the car, my 4-year-old daughter asked, “Mom, where does the person we got sperm from live?” Her question took me a little by surprise.
“Well,” I said, glancing at her through the rearview mirror, “he lives in another state called Oregon with his family.”
She thought about that for a moment before asking, “But what does his house look like?”
That one made me smile. “I don’t know what it looks like,” I told her, “but I imagine he might have some of the same things we have, like a front door, windows, and maybe a garden.”
Then she asked, “Do you think we could meet him one day?” She added in a softer voice, “Is he nice?”
I paused, feeling the weight of her questions and wanting to be as honest as I could be. “I don’t know him in real life,” I said gently, “but he seemed like a nice person when I read his letter and listened to his interview. As for meeting him, well, I hope we will get to meet him one day.”
She nodded again, seemingly satisfied, and gazed out the window lost in thought. For now, her questions seemed answered. I felt a sense of awe. Here she was, so small, yet asking questions that spoke to a much deeper understanding than I’d expected.
It was a reminder of how much our kids actually absorb, of how their questions reflect not just curiosity but a remarkable capacity to make sense of the complex and tender things we share with them.
Based on a recent question on Reddit, I did a quick literature scan to see what I could learn about the types of questions kids ask about donor conception and how they change as kids grow up. No one is researching this exact question, so I extrapolated from the most relevant studies. I’m certain I missed some studies, but I’m confident I’ve captured the broad themes. It’s also important to note that much of the research is from eras when identifying donors and donor siblings was much harder and less common.
What questions have the children in your life asked about donor conception?
What can we glean from research?
Studies indicate that children's questions evolve significantly with age and vary based on family structure. In early childhood, questions tend to be simple and concrete. Initial questions typically start with basic origin inquiries such as "Where do babies come from?" or "Did I grow in your tummy?". Young children in single-mother or lesbian-parent families often ask basic questions like "Why don't I have a daddy?" with these questions frequently emerging during everyday situations or after observing other families.
As children enter middle childhood, their questions become more specific about the donor as a person, for example about their physical appearance, hobbies, and whether they share similar interests. During this stage, children also begin asking about how to explain their family structure to others, with questions often arising during specific events like Father's Day or family-related school activities.
During adolescence and beyond, questions shift toward identity and genetic heritage. Teenagers show increased interest in medical history and ask more complex questions about the donor's personality, life achievements, and motivation for donating. Questions about potential donor siblings become more common, with particular curiosity about shared traits.
Family structure significantly influences the nature and timing of children's questions. Children in lesbian-parent families tend to ask questions earlier and focus more on explaining donor conception to peers. These children generally appear more comfortable expressing curiosity about donors and ask more open and direct questions. Single-parent families show similar patterns, with questions often centering on father absence. In contrast, children in heterosexual-parent families typically express interest later and ask more questions about medical background and family relationships.
The research emphasizes that children's comfort in asking questions is heavily influenced by the age of disclosure, with earlier disclosure generally leading to more open questioning. Family openness about donor conception, social context, and support also play crucial roles. Children might be less likely to ask questions if they sense parental discomfort or experience loyalty conflicts, highlighting the importance of creating an open environment for discussing donor conception. Questions often increase during life transitions, with school environments frequently triggering new inquiries.
Understanding common themes can help parents and professionals better prepare for and address children's questions about donor conception.
Donor and donor siblings’ personality traits, interests, and talents
Donor’s education and career
Donor’s cultural or religious background
Health history and medical issues of donor and/or donor siblings
Donor’s ancestral roots
Donor’s reasons for donating
Options for connecting with donor and/or donor siblings
Parental reasons for selecting the donor
Language and terminology related to donor and/or donor siblings
General questions about genetics, family structures, and relationships
Research also offers some common guidance for supporting children in understanding donor conception. It’s important for parents and caregivers to create regular opportunities for discussion. Instead of waiting for questions to arise, use everyday moments as natural conversation starters and establish regular check-in times to encourage open dialogue. Modeling curiosity and openness can make a big difference, too. Use statements like “I wonder…” to invite questions, proactively share age-appropriate information, and openly acknowledge when you don’t have all the answers. This helps children feel comfortable asking about things they don’t fully understand.
Providing age-appropriate support is essential as well. Adjust the language you use and the level of detail based on your child’s developmental stage, and consider using resources specifically designed for their age group. When needed, don’t hesitate to connect with professionals who can offer guidance and answer questions in ways that resonate with your child’s level of understanding.
Lastly, it’s crucial to validate all feelings that may come up during these discussions. Normalize your child’s curiosity, reassure them that any feelings they experience are okay, and recognize that these emotions might change over time. Creating a safe space where children feel free to process and express what they’re feeling without judgment helps foster an open and supportive environment.
References
Beeson, D. R., Jennings, P. K., & Kramer, W. (2011). Offspring searching for their sperm donors: How family type shapes the process. Human Reproduction, 26(9), 2415-2424.
Bolt, S. H., Maas, A. J. B. M., Indekeu, A., & van Nistelrooij, I. (2024). Legal age limits in accessing donor information: experiences of donor-conceived people, parents, sperm donors and counsellors. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 48(6), 103846.
Blake, L., Casey, P., Jadva, V., & Golombok, S. (2014). 'I was quite amazed': Donor conception and parent-child relationships from the child's perspective. Children & Society, 28(6), 425-437.
Freeman-Carroll, N. (2016). The possibilities and pitfalls of talking donor conception with donor egg: Why parents struggle and how clinicians can help. Journal of Infant, Child, & Adolescent Psychotherapy, 15(1), 40-50.
Harper, J. C., Abdul, I., Barnsley, N., & Ilan-Clarke, Y. (2022). Telling donor-conceived children about their conception: Evaluation of the use of the Donor Conception Network children's books. Reproductive BioMedicine and Society Online, 14, 1-7.
Jadva, V., Freeman, T., Kramer, W., & Golombok, S. (2010). Experiences of offspring searching for and contacting their donor siblings and donor. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 20(4), 523-532.
Mac Dougall, K., Becker, G., Scheib, J. E., & Nachtigall, R. D. (2007). Strategies for disclosure: How parents approach telling their children that they were conceived with donor gametes. Fertility and Sterility, 87(3), 524-533.
Nelson, M. K., Hertz, R., & Kramer, W. (2013). Making sense of donors and donor siblings: A comparison of the perceptions of donor-conceived offspring in lesbian-parent and heterosexual-parent families. Contemporary Perspectives in Family Research, 13, 1-45.
Persaud, S., Freeman, T., Jadva, V., Slutsky, J., Kramer, W., Steele, M., Steele, H., & Golombok, S. (2017). Adolescents conceived through donor insemination in mother-headed families: A qualitative study of motivations and experiences of contacting and meeting same-donor offspring. Children & Society, 31(1), 13-22.
Schrijvers, A., Bos, H., van Rooij, F., Gerrits, T., van der Veen, F., Mochtar, M., & Visser, M. (2019). Being a donor-child: wishes for parental support, peer support and counseling. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 40(1), 29-37.
Vanfraussen, K., Ponjaert-Kristoffersen, I., & Brewaeys, A. (2001). An attempt to reconstruct children's donor concept: A comparison between children's and lesbian parents' attitudes towards donor anonymity. Human Reproduction, 16(9), 2019-2025.
Vanfraussen, K., Ponjaert-Kristoffersen, I., & Brewaeys, A. (2003). Why do children want to know more about the donor? The experience of youngsters raised in lesbian families. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 24(1), 31–38.
Zadeh, S., Freeman, T., & Golombok, S. (2017). 'What Does Donor Mean to a Four-Year-Old?': Initial Insights into Young Children's Perspectives in Solo Mother Families. Children & Society, 31(3), 194-205.