Using Books to Talk to Kids about Donor Conception

Includes research, tips, red flags, and book recommendations

Talking about family building with donor gametes and embryos is complex. Discussions about donor conception span a range of themes, like family structures, relationships, reproduction, genetics, siblings, emotions, sense of self, and more. You’ve probably thought about using books to talk to your child about their origin story. As a recipient parent, I understand the desire to find the "perfect" book to help explain everything to children in one go. The reality is that no single book can cover all aspects of your family perfectly!

What does the research say?

An evaluation of the Donor Conception Network children's books (Harper, 2022) showed that parents typically begin using the books very early in their children's lives, with most (77%) starting before age two. Mothers were most often the primary readers (43%), though in many families (36%), both parents read together, typically about once per month. Parents noted that the books helped give children the vocabulary to discuss and ask questions.

Mac Dougall et al. (2007) found that many parents struggle to find books that address their specific family situation and perceive books as too advanced for their young children. Schwartz-DuPre and Sowards (2023) critiqued existing children’s books about donor conception for often reflecting privileged, white, and affluent families while omitting racial and financial barriers in assisted reproductive technology processes. They also note that many books often portray mothers as sad or incomplete without children, perpetuating societal expectations around motherhood. Donors are depicted as anonymous gift-givers, downplaying the financial and emotional complexities of donor conception. Animals and non-human characters frequently portray family roles, simplifying the complex realities of donor conception.

Potential best practices for using books emerge from several studies. According to Strouse et al. (2018), children transfer information better from books with realistic pictures than from those with cartoonish illustrations, and from stories featuring human characters rather than anthropomorphized animals. The research suggests books work best when they present information in realistic contexts that children can readily connect to their own lives. Freeman-Carroll (2016) notes that book discussions can evolve as children develop, beginning with basic (but accurate) language about reproduction and kinship, progressing to questions about biology and genetics, and eventually addressing identity and self in young adulthood.

My take on using kids’ books

Reading can be a gentle way to introduce subjects that may feel challenging or overwhelming for adults to discuss. Books aren’t just educational resources for children - they’re scaffolding for parents who are navigating their own uncertainty and vulnerability around these conversations.

Books give us language when we aren’t sure how to say what we want to say. They model conversations, offer vocabulary, and show us different ways to frame complex ideas. Instead of staring at a blank page in your mind, wondering “How do I even begin to explain this?”, you have examples to draw from. As your child grows, different books address new layers of complexity. Eventually, you’ll find yourself having conversations without the books at all, drawing on the language and frameworks they’ve provided.

They help us speak when we’re afraid to speak. Books create a shared space where we can explore topics alongside our children, rather than having to perform as the expert with all the answers. The book becomes a conversation partner, something you and your child discover together.

They let us practice when we don’t know how to start. Starting early - even before your child can fully understand - gives you time to rehearse these conversations in low-stakes moments. Reading to an infant or toddler about donor conception isn’t really about their comprehension; it’s about building your own comfort and fluency with the words. You get to hear yourself say donor conception-related words out loud, repeatedly, until they stop feeling foreign in your mouth. By the time your child is asking questions, you’ll have had months or years of practice, and the terminology will feel natural rather than rehearsed or awkward.

Books are flexible tools - make them work for you. Remember, you can adapt content by simplifying text or adding explanations while reading. You’re not bound to read books exactly as written. I’ve crossed out lines and written my preferred wording directly on the pages of many a book. As I read, I’ve added clarifications like “In our family, we used a sperm donor”.

My advice for building a library

I believe it’s important to build a diverse library that reflects a variety of concepts that can come up in conversations with your child.

• Instead of searching for a single comprehensive book, build a small collection that addresses different aspects of donor conception—reproduction, family structures, genetics, identity, emotional journeys, and more.

• Prioritize stories told from the child's perspective.

• Select books that normalize curiosity and questions and validate a range of emotions children might feel.

• Choose books with accurate, developmentally appropriate terminology and clear comparisons relevant to your child's understanding. When children learn the correct terms early, they are less likely to feel misled or confused later. If sperm or eggs aren’t the right fit for your context, words like cells and gametes are still accurate.

• Prioritize content that normalizes donor conception as one of many ways families come together.

• Provide narratives that offer children flexible options to describe their own situation and that acknowledge the diversity within donor conception experiences.

• Choose books that demonstrate open conversation about similarities, differences, and connections.

Some of my red flags:

• Books include descriptions of parental strife/trauma

• Books suggest how a child “should” feel or discourage curiosity

• Books that rely heavily on metaphors or misleading language (e.g., statements about the donor as an angelic helper, sperm as "magic seeds”, or the child as a gift to the parents). 

• Books that focus too heavily on white, cishet imagery and narratives. 

• Books that just aren’t fun to read (cringey rhymes, hard-to-read fonts, bad illustrations).

Books I Keep In Rotation

If you think a book is missing from my list, let me know. I’ll try to get my hands on it for a review and to test it with my own kids.

Conception

• What Makes A Baby (Silverberg) - Every family should have this book. It’s not explicitly about donor conception, but the open-ended questions are a great way to introduce donors, parents, and others into a conception and birth story. Great for babies and up!

• There are a few encyclopedia-style books for curious elementary students, some of which mention donors in a passive way as egg and sperm donors. I encourage checking out Mombian’s review of Making a Baby (Greener) and It’s So Amazing (Harris and Emberly).

• You Began as a Wish (Bergman) - Simple book that helps children explore all the parts that came together to make them who they are, beginning with a wish!

Gamete Donation - There are so many books out there about donor conception. I have over 40 of them in my personal library. Most of them were lovingly written by a parent trying to explain donor conception to their own child while processing their own grief, making them hyper-specific to their family. Most of the books have red flags for me. When I feel like I can recommend a book to any family built through donor conception, then the book goes on my list.

• A Kids Book About Donor Conception (Hovish) This book is about donor-conceived people, written by a donor-conceived person! There are no pictures, so this book is not particularly suited for younger children, but parents can read it to gain language and perspective.

• Zak’s Safari (Tyner) - A two-mom + one kid donor conception story that is fun for all families and all ages!

• My Donor Story (Leya) - There are 25 variations broken down by family type, then boy or girl character, followed by type of conception.

• Our Story: How We Became a Family (Donor Conception Network) - There are many versions. There are a few things I’d change (like the use of seed rather than sperm), but I’d still recommend them. Note that they originated in the UK, where most donations are altruistic.

• Wish, Miracle, Me (Coad) - This book is a powerful poem written from the perspective of a donor-conceived teen. I can’t wait to share it with my kids to spark conversation about family, identity, belonging, and resilience.

• Honorable Mention

  • Daddy, What is an Embryo (Quarles) - I really appreciate how this book describes embryos and weaves in egg donation. However, at the end, the book uses gift language, doesn’t validate curiosity about the donor, and emphasizes the parents’ desires. I keep it on the shelf with my handwritten edits.

  • Let Me Explain: A Story About Donor Insemination (Schnitter) - This book was published in 1995 and is out of print. It’s dated (truly anonymous donation was still possible then), it’s for cishet families, and it leans heavily into the role of the raising dad. Still, it’s remarkably well done. I can only imagine if more families in the 1990s and 2000s had this book to help them disclose that we’d have less fractured trust in our broader community.

  • The Pea That Was Me...And Me...And Me (Kluger-Bell) - This version of the often-recommended series references all types of donor conception families. I really want to love it, but it is bionormative in how it presents conception (which surprised me because it talks about a diverse range of families), and the font choice is hard to read. It could still be a good reference for parents trying to figure things out.

Donor Siblings

• I haven’t found a book just about siblings I love yet. My Extra Special Leaves (Wright), I’ve Got Dibs (Dorfman), and Your Family: A Donor Kid’s Story (Kramer) include many of the red flags I mentioned above. Meeting My Brother (Dukoff) is sweet, but it doesn’t really explain what it means to be related by genes.

Customizable Books

• Parts of Me: A customizable book template (in Canva) that explains donor conception in simple terms and provides space to share information about the donor, like physical characteristics, interests, profession, family background, and personality. (This is a give-what-you-can model, and I am on the board of the nonprofit.)

• Our Donor Is… (TheGoodEggSMBC) - This adorable board book can be customized with your donor’s characteristics. I love that it focuses only on the donor.

• Services like Storydo BookBuilder* and Sensitive Matters can help you create the story of your child’s conception. You provide the photos. They provide the template and a customizable narrative.

Families

• A Family Like Ours (Murphy/Lee) - “Everyone's family is unique--and good! From sprawling extended families and close-knit units to adopted and chosen families, A Family Like Ours celebrates all those important connections we build over the years. Regardless of what yours looks like, family is a place for support, safety, growth, and inspiration.”

• And That’s Their Family (Coleman) - “This book celebrates and represents the following family structures: Two Moms, Two Dads, Single Parents, Living with Grandmas, Living with Grandpas, Adoptive Families, Living with Aunts, Living with Uncles, Foster Families, Living with Sisters, Living with Brothers, Group Homes, Stepdads, Stepmoms, Moms and Dads, Nonbinary Parents, Poly families, and Divorced/Separated Families! There are blank pages at the end of the book to draw your own family and draw a family different from yours!”

• Family Forest (Quinlan) - “Come on a visually intriguing, engaging and whimsical journey alongside woodland animals as they show us what family is. Written to provide adults with a tool to start and continue conversations around the evolving landscape of family. There is no right or wrong way to have a family. Family is about choice and the gifts it gives us - ones that we cannot buy or see or touch. Family is not JUST a tree. Family is a forest.”

Parents

• Who’s Your Real Mom (Green & Zobel) - A child patiently helps her friend understand which of her two moms is her real mom. This book captures the difference between parent (noun) and parent (verb) perfectly for me.

Genetics

• The Secret Code Inside You (LaRocca) - A rhyming explanation of cells, DNA, and genetics. Emphasizes that our genes are important but do not define us. Change two words, and it’s perfect for DCP.

• The One and Only Me: A Book About Genes (Killoran) - Learn how your genes and the world around you can shape who you are. Centers mom-dad families, but still useful for inquisitive kids.

Identity 

• Maybe (Yamada) - A beautiful book that lets kids know they are unique and they matter.

• Who Am I? (Bunting) - A conversation-opener to talk about bigger concepts and ideas around identity.

• I Am Me: A Book of Authenticity (Verde) - Reminds kids to celebrate their individuality.

Other

• We’re Happy You’re Here (Wilkins) - This book celebrates welcoming a new child into a family, and it shows all the different kinds of families that exist today. The illustrations are beautiful and depict people of different abilities, body types, skin tones, and backgrounds. The story highlights all the people involved in preparing for a baby's arrival, from friends and family to scientists and social workers. It's a joyful book that emphasizes how important community and support are when a child joins a family.

• Our Hearts Match (Niño) - A cute story about dinosaurs with a spin on the donor conception theme. A mom and an egg-donor-conceived kid talk about their similarities and differences.

• My Family and Me: An Inclusive Family Tree Activity (Hutchinson) - This workbook doesn’t explicitly mention donor conception, but it’s very well designed. The first half of the book focuses on the child. The second part is far more inclusive than other family tree books. 

• First Conversations - Topic-driven book series offers clear, concrete language and beautiful imagery that young children can grasp and adults can leverage for further discussion. Topics include race, gender, love, justice, grief, consent, disability, and bodies. 

• The Circles All Around Us (Montague) - Concepts of community 

• The Rabbit Listened (Doerrfeld) - Empathy and emotions

• How Do You Love (Byrnes) - Ways of loving

• I Love You When You’re Angry (Winters) - Attachment and emotions

• Why Mama Needs A Break (Garber) - Parents as humans 

Have a book you think I should check out? Drop a comment below or message me!

Disclosure: If marked with (*), I received a free copy of the book or a voucher to review the book. If marked with (^), I read a pre-publication version of the book. Otherwise, I purchased the book with my own money, checked it out at a library, or was gifted it by a friend. I do not receive financial benefit from any of the links in this post.

Citations

Freeman-Carroll, N. (2016). The possibilities and pitfalls of talking donor conception with donor egg: Why parents struggle and how clinicians can help. Journal of Infant, Child, & Adolescent Psychotherapy, 15(1), 40-50.

Harper, J. C., Abdul, I., Barnsley, N., & Ilan-Clarke, Y. (2022). Telling donor-conceived children about their conception: Evaluation of the use of the Donor Conception Network children's books. Reproductive BioMedicine and Society Online, 14, 1-7.

Mac Dougall, K., Becker, G., Scheib, J. E., & Nachtigall, R. D. (2007). Strategies for disclosure: How parents approach telling their children that they were conceived with donor gametes. Fertility and Sterility, 87(3), 524-533.

Schwartz-DuPre, R. L., & Sowards, S. K. (2024). Donors and disclosures: Rhetorical explanations of assisted reproductive technology and parenthood in children’s literature. In S. Haynes (Ed.), Refiguring motherhood beyond biology. Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003311799-9

Strouse, G. A., Nyhout, A., & Ganea, P. A. (2018). The role of book features in young children's transfer of information from picture books to real-world contexts. Frontiers in Psychology, 9(50), 1-14. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00050