My five-year-old started kindergarten this year, and I decided to write a letter to their teacher about our family structure and my child’s donor conception identity. The teacher appreciated it, and we kicked off the year with shared understanding. Weeks later, we were in an orientation session for a new extracurricular activity, and the instructor asked the kids to describe their brothers and sisters as an icebreaker. My heart skipped a beat. I hadn’t thought to brief these people on our family. What would my kid decide to say? How would the group of parents and kindergarteners handle it?
I realized these moments represent a crucial aspect of parenting donor-conceived children: the expansion of disclosure beyond the family circle to include broader networks of support and understanding. So many questions ran through my mind: Who needs to know? How much should I tell them? When is sharing unsafe? And perhaps most importantly, when do I stop being the one managing disclosure outside of our immediate family?
Evidence supports early disclosure to children about their conception, but what about the adults and children in their broader circles? I turned to research, and – no surprise – I couldn’t find much of anything within the body of donor conception literature. I did, however, find useful parallel research- and practice-based evidence in the areas of family separation/divorce, adoption, medical privacy, and LGBTQAI2S+ family coming out. Now I want to share in case other people are looking for guidance, too.
An Acknowledgment: I’m not a child development expert, family therapist, or researcher. I’m a parent figuring this out as I go. What I’m sharing reflects my current thinking based on available research and my limited experience as a solo cishet parent who chose to practice early disclosure to her two young, neurotypical-ish donor-conceived children. I believe genetics can matter without being deterministic, and I seek to preserve individual agency for my children in defining their identities and family relationships. I’m fallible, I’m learning, and my perspective will undoubtedly evolve as my kids mature. I welcome insights, feedback, and resources from others.
I acknowledge that many families face additional layers of complexity and discrimination that intersect with their donor conception story. LGBTQAI2S+ parents, single parents, families of color, religious families, or those in conservative communities may face compounded stigma where donor conception becomes another vector for judgment or discrimination, creating safety risks around disclosure outside (and sometimes within) the family unit. In addition, recent policy developments, including cases like Mahmoud vs. Taylor, highlight how school policies around LGBTQAI2S+ content can create hostile environments for non-traditional families. Donor-conceived families may find themselves navigating settings where their family structure faces institutional discrimination or where disclosure could inadvertently expose children to harmful policies. For families facing additional marginalization, disclosure considerations become more complex, and safety must always be a primary concern.
Think carefully about how to approach disclosure outside the family unit in these circumstances:
Religious/cultural risks: If your family faces grave consequences because donor conception is considered taboo
Legal vulnerabilities: In areas with unclear parentage laws or weak legal protections
Unstable relationships: With people who might use information harmfully
Unsupportive environments: Where you anticipate judgment that could harm your child's wellbeing (e.g., discriminatory policies)
Why Disclosure Outside the Family Unit Could Matter
Simply categorizing families as ‘secret’ or ‘open’ about disclosure misses the nuanced reality. Many parents create ‘layers’ of disclosure, sharing different information with different people. They might tell their child about donor gametes but not potential donor siblings, or tell extended family about IVF while omitting the use of donor gametes.
Problems could emerge when donor-conceived children know information about their origin story that the people closest to them don’t. Young children may be expected to hide part of their origin story. This creates unnecessary uncertainty and shame. Children don’t know whether mentioning “half-siblings” or their “donor” will trigger confusion, judgment, or alarm.
These challenges can intensify when children enter new environments, like schools, sports teams, or social activities. They may face school assignments, playground discussions, or questions about their family. When children are the first to introduce adults to donor conception concepts—especially when they haven’t been prepared for these moments—they’re thrust into educator roles they never chose. A child might find themselves explaining donor siblings to a confused teacher, or deflecting questions about why they don’t look like a parent, all while gauging whether their honest answers will be met with understanding or judgment.
As children mature, they deserve autonomy over what to share and with whom. But this choice becomes fraught when they’re the first person informing important adults in their lives. Rather than deciding whether to share something personal, they end up managing others’ reactions to information that should perhaps already be normalized.
Research shows that supportive adults and peers can be a protective factor against poor mental health in children. When trusted adults already know a child's donor conception origins, children can speak openly with less fear of negative reactions and adults can respond appropriately to questions or situations. The goal is to create a foundation where their growing autonomy around privacy becomes about personal comfort rather than family protection.
This also means we must help our children distinguish between privacy and secrecy. Secrecy implies shame and breeds distrust, while privacy empowers families to make intentional decisions about who they tell, when, and how much they share.
Secrecy around donor conception occurs when children:
Believe their story is something shameful to hide
Feel uncertain about what’s “safe” to share and with whom
Carry the burden of protecting family secrets
Navigate confusion when some inner-circle members know while others don’t
Privacy around donor conception occurs when children:
Understand their story as normal and shame-free
Make age-appropriate, autonomous choices about disclosure
Feel supported by adults who already understand their family structure
Just like they might choose to share some things with some people and not with others, they can decide who learns about their donor conception and when. They’re simply choosing when and how to share something that belongs to them, not hiding something shameful. This means giving language tools to deflect, redirect, or defer: “That’s information I’m not ready to share” or “That’s something my family can tell you about if you’re curious.”
This foundation becomes crucial as they develop autonomy. When children understand the difference between privacy and secrecy from an early age, they’re better equipped to make informed decisions about disclosure as they mature.
Who Might Need to Know (And Why)
Here's a potential framework for thinking about disclosure, distinguishing between practical, emotional, and institutional motivations:
Essential Disclosure
Medical providers: Your child's pediatrician, specialists, and emergency medical contacts need an accurate health history. Incomplete medical information can impact healthcare decisions. This disclosure should happen from birth/early infancy. You can model appropriate medical disclosure language as your child grows.
Emotional/Social Disclosure
Close family members and friends: Close family and friends should know before they regularly interact with your communicating child without you present. Children shouldn't be the first to tell close adults, and adults who might witness your child discussing their conception benefit from context.
Other parents in your child's social circle: Disclosure often occurs naturally as children start having independent playdates and social activities. Consider proactive disclosure if your child frequently shares about their conception, donor siblings, or family structure. Parents who might observe playtime conversations benefit from understanding that your child isn't making up stories about having "20 siblings."
Institutional Disclosure
Primary teachers/caregivers: Classroom discussions and activities can lead to disclosure. Teachers can benefit from understanding your child’s context to provide appropriate support and tailor lessons. Family projects and biology discussions become opportunities for education rather than awkward moments. This type of disclosure can happen before or during the start of the school year.
Schools, coaches, activity leaders: These adults can benefit from context when family-related topics arise in structured activities or peer discussions. Frame disclosure around understanding and supporting your child's needs rather than general information sharing.
How Much Do I Need to Share?
Parents (and kids) don't need to share everything with everyone. It’s ok to match the level to the relationship and need-to-know basis.
Level 1 - Basic Family Structure: "We're a single-parent family created through donor conception."
Level 2 - General Information: Include that your child knows their story and may discuss it in accurate terminology
Level 3 - Specific Details: Existence of donor siblings, specific language your child uses, medical considerations
Level 4 - Full Transparency: All information you'd share with close family
Note: Even when I’m being fully transparent with someone, I choose to preserve most of the details about my conception choices and information in my donor’s ample profile for my children to decide how to share.
When Can I Stop
This is where it gets tricky. Research with teenagers suggests they want autonomy over their disclosure decisions, but timing also depends on your kid's developmental capacity. Some children might be ready for more autonomy earlier, while others require support for a longer period.
Your child’s comfort level with what they share with whom may change as your child grows and their understanding deepens.
Potential Ways to Tell It’s Time for Transition
They have processed their own story and feel comfortable with it.
They are comfortable setting and holding boundaries with information.
They understand the difference between family privacy and secrets.
They can handle potential questions and reactions from peers and adults.
They tell you they are ready.
They express discomfort when you share on their behalf.
Here’s how it’s playing out in my mind for my neurotypical(ish) children.
Phase 1: Parent-directed disclosure. You make decisions about who knows. This is where I am now. I have started letting my five-year-old know when I’m telling people and why I am telling them. I also follow her lead in answering questions posed by other adults and kids. She often looks to me to provide the details if and when the topic comes up.
Phase 2: Collaborative approach. Discuss with your child who knows and plan together for new situations. Assess their comfort level and developmental readiness before expanding disclosure. Help them practice disclosure scripts and manage potential reactions.
Phase 3: Child-directed disclosure. Let them decide what to share, with whom, and when, while providing your child with the information and support they need to make informed decisions and follow through on them.
A Tension Worth Airing
I wrestle with whether creating external disclosure frameworks paradoxically reinforces bionormative and bioessentialist thinking. There’s a valid critique here: If donor conception is truly normal and shame-free, why does it need so much staging? Why not just live your life, answer questions as they come, and trust your child to navigate social situations like they navigate countless other complexities? Perhaps all the anticipatory planning creates more burden than the thing itself. This tension doesn’t have an easy resolution, and I suspect the answer lies somewhere in the messy middle between ‘tell everyone everything’ and ‘it’s nobody’s business.’
What I know is that I’ve chosen early disclosure to my children, and given that choice, I want to prevent them from being the first to introduce important adults to concepts those adults may not understand. When my five-year-old casually mentions the donor to a confused classroom, I don’t want them suddenly reading the room and wondering if they’ve said something wrong. I formed my family through donor conception, and taking on disclosure labor is something I can do. I can shoulder some of the social navigation rather than placing that burden on my children.
There’s a wide spectrum between “telling no one” and “briefing everyone,” and the right balance likely varies by family, community, child, and situation. The goal is thoughtful intentionality about your specific family’s needs, not adherence to someone else’s protocol—including mine.
Helpful Resources
Here’s a template version of the letter I wrote to my kindergartener’s teacher. I printed it and gave it to her in person after we’d interacted a couple of times.
COLAGE’s Back-to-School Toolkit (created by youth with LGBTQ+ parents for their peers) includes message templates for youth to send their teachers (helpful for parents too!), scripts for common scenarios, and a link to parent resources.
DC Network (UK) has a pack of primary school resources and a guide for talking to family and friends for purchase (by mail or pdf download).
Paths to ParentHub has a 40-minute podcast episode about this topic. Hayley (a DCP and RP) and Becky (an RP) share their perspectives and experiences.
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Best one yet! Maybe because it is close to home. Love, Mom.
This is incredible. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughtful approach.